Issue #1 Article#12
Transference by
Jo-Ann Svensson
Recently, I reread an old article of mine on transference. In it I implied, with some authority, that I
had rid myself of that issue. I write
today somewhat chagrined. How can one
rid oneself of that which by nature resides in the shadows?
Imagine two
people walking past each other on the street.
If one says, “hi Joe” to the other, and the other is not Joe, the case
of mistaken identity is easily cleared and the two move on. Not so with transference.
While both are
a case of mistaken identity, the difference is that one is made conscious while
the other dwells in the unconscious. Let’s say we know a woman named Mary who
is a childhood survivor of abuse.
Having never resolved the trauma, the adult Mary mistakenly identifies
all authorities as potential abusers.
She has troubled relationships with teachers, managers and even the bus
driver who asks to see her fare. She
cannot “move on” because she has not come to terms with the original injustice.
Her case of mistaken identity remains in the dark.
The Oxford
dictionary defines transference as “the redirection of childhood emotions esp.
[though not restricted] to a psychoanalyst”.
Having grown up with an absent dad and an alcoholic mom, I have spent
much of my life in search of a father figure while distrusting females in
positions of authority and having been sexually abused, the love I was looking
for had poor boundaries. Despite what I
knew as an adult about human dynamics, my childSelf had a firm grip on my
perception of reality. I was fearful of
women yet desperate for male attention and eager to please to avoid
abandonment.
When I went
into therapy seven years ago these issues barely registered on my radar. However, there is a telling journal entry I
wrote after my first session with Pietro.
It states: “ No one has ever cared for me in this way before.” Two
sessions later I was already deep in the throes of transference and was
silently questioning if I loved him. But let me not misguide you. Seven years ago was the advent of my healing
journey, transference and I were already old buddies by then.
Transference, as I so blatantly intruded upon Oxford’s definition, is not restricted to one’s psychoanalyst. We can transfer old issues on to anyone who in someway mirrors the original transgressor. I partnered with several men who mirrored my father and in one job I had chronic difficulties with a female supervisor. A friend of mine transfers unresolved issues regarding his sister to different women in his life and another friend, having hated herself as a child, is today, intolerant of children.
The truth of
the matter, or at least my take on in it, is twofold. One, that transference is a common consequence of life and two,
childhood issues are never 100% resolved (I think we would lose our humanness
if that were possible). What is more,
transference is not a black and white issue.
Except in rare occasions, we are not always in the dark like the
fictional Mary above, nor are we always so quickly led into the light as the
previously mentioned passers-by. More
commonly it is somewhere in the middle where we vacillate between consciousness
and unconsciousness - like walking a sun-dappled trail, sometimes in the shadow
and other times in full sun.
So yes, while I still transfer my
father issues onto Pietro, there is a difference between now and then. Most
prominent is that I have a better relationship
with she who was originally hurt, my childSelf.
When I started
therapy, I had sparse relations with my childSelf. I blamed her, shunned her and felt shame around her. Seven years later that relationship has
improved but in times of stress, like mentor sessions and workshops, I am
easily triggered and the relationship falters.
I end up ignoring her needs (to be comforted and loved) and she, like
any child, ups the ante. Her voice gets
louder, her behavior more outrageous and my internal leadership (read
self-parenting) falters as she overwhelms me and takes control. Other times, when I am more centered and
grounded, she lets me know her fears and I listen. She may still feel the need to act out but as my awareness
expands, the need for that decreases and my relationship with her grows
stronger.
My childSelf will always be there with needs that will never be completely filled. It is up to me, therefor, to re-parent her, helping her feel safe, loved and special. It is in this light that I have hope. For although I cannot rid myself of transference issues I can, by taking care of Self, bring them out of the shadows. By acknowledging and discussing these issues, especially within the parameters of Self-compassion, transference becomes the learning tool it so rightfully deserves to be.